Somehow it is well into 2018 already. February will be over before we know it, and I finally feel better, almost like myself again. I wonder where the fall and early winter went, or where I was for them. I am glad to be here now. It feels a little like waking up from a dream, the scary or depressing kind that you are ready to leave behind. The issues that came to light during my illness haven’t just gone away, so I must be diligent about continue to look at them: the need to be in control, to ask for and accept support, to be viewed as competent and in the know, the constant push to do more and be more. Maybe it helps just to have clarified the issues and to have called them out. The work is not done, but perhaps there is a bit of a path now.
Skiing and walking outside these past few weeks, now that I feel up to it, has been a reminder that I am most content when being present with myself, others, and the natural things of the world. Moving through a snowy and quiet forest, tromping with my daughter around a blindingly white lake, following a deer path along an icy ridge-line, all while breathing in the cold and clear air — these things are what is real and what matters. It’s not the photo I take or the likes that it gets on instagram, or the new followers that it entices to join the crowd. It’s the actual experience. This is obvious, but I think it’s easy for us to forget that in this social media driven culture that we have found ourselves fully invested in. I need to check myself regularly – it’s so easy to get sucked into the allure of virtual validation. Continue reading “What Life Belongs To”